Recently, I experienced time travel. I
went back to a time I always remembered with a perfect image painted in my
head. I went back to a time I nostalgically and continuously longed for. I went
back to this last moment and played it over and over again in my head until its
emotion filled my heart again and brought tears to my eyes.
It
seems unbelievable to me that it has been six years. Six years ago, I lived in
a world of anything and everything I wished for. Life seemed perfect, and
despair seemed to be so far away. Six years ago, I lived in a reality that was
too good to last, or so I thought. Six years ago, I was a Junior High student
with the whole future awaiting. I was the perfect student. I went to all my
classes, got the highest grades, and absolutely enjoyed the process of
learning. However, it was not a one-man show. I had a companion, a competitor,
and a best friend. It was the two of us
against the world. We represented all the stereotypes of a perfect friendship.
We had different interests yet lives that harmoniously intertwined without
impacting the course of the other. I was a basketball superstar and she was a
behind the scenes computer genius. I was into the world of piano and music; she
was into iTunes and YouTube. I was energetic and lively; she was quiet and
reserved. Yet when the two of us were together, it was as if those two worlds
became one.
Our
friendship was picture perfect. It was a model for the others, and a joy for
the two of us. Of course our parents were not fans of the phone bills, but we
could not care less. Our 3-hour phone calls that were filled with laughter and
the most random topics were a vital and a necessary part of our evening
everyday after school. I would go to basketball practice, do homework, and then
have my daily phone call with her. We would hang up five minutes before House
MD starts, watch it and then sleep with anticipation for the next day. Everyone
was amazed by how smooth our friendship was. Everyone was shocked by its
transparency and lightheartedness. For us, it seemed only normal, and natural.
Looking
back now, I see the bugs and fault in every step of the way. I see too many
compromises, silent words, and buried dissatisfaction and disappointment.
Looking back, I cannot believe that this friendship actually lasted as long as
it did. Looking back, I see that on one part it was based on pure selflessness,
and on the other part it was based on jealousy, rivalry, and personal gain. It
shocks me to think that a fourteen year old can have such intentions, yet
looking back, I am not surprised.
This
perfect friendship started coming to ruins on a cold day in February. It was
the 26th of February 2011. On this Saturday, I received an eye opened
on too many things in life. I came to realize that as beautiful as friendships
can be, they could be fake. I realized that time means nothing and the closest
person to you can turn against you in a heartbeat. It was during our senior
year of high school, two months before our final IB official examinations. We
were overwhelmed with stress and senioritis. On this chilly Saturday, I was in
one of my classes when 11 girls came to the classroom and requested that I,
along with 3 other girls to go and talk to them. I did not understand what was
happening yet I gathered all my certainty that I did nothing worrisome and left
with them. In less than a minute, I found that the four of us were cornered
with all the eleven girls surrounding us. One of them started accusing us of
telling the school to cancel the senior sleepover that was planned to happen
the next day. I was shocked and rather taken by that. I knew I was not guilty
of this. Yes, I did complain that the sleepover was happening the same day as
my official oral exam, but I respectfully said that I would just skip my senior
sleep over. The accusations came at us
again. They were loud and hurtful. I looked at the girl standing in front of me
but I could not recognize her. I knew her face, and her voice sounded familiar,
but she was not someone I know, or at least knew. I couldn’t help but interrupt
her and ask her if she is really accusing me
of doing this after knowing me for four years. Before her response, I
thought I saw the worst. Before her response, I thought she showed me the worst
face of friendship, yet I was mistaken. What came next was more painful than
anything I have ever experienced. What came were words that stabbed my heart
like a sharp sword that goes right through the chest leaving nothing but
immense pain and a huge scar. “I am accusing you because I know you. I have
known you for four years now and I know that you care about your grades. You
are willing to go out of your way to get a high grade. You have talked to the
basketball to postpone a friendly match because you had a chemistry test, why
wouldn’t you stop the sleepover from happening because of your stupid oral?”
The
silence that filled the room after her screaming was the loudest noise I have
ever heard. The silence was a combination of shock, fear, disappointment, and
speechlessness. It was not just on my side, but also on everyone who was there.
All the other 13 girls that were in the room had nothing to say. Some nodded,
some looked at me with sympathetic eyes, yet at this point nothing mattered.
The
sympathy of others, the nodding, and the silence were all insignificant because
all I can see is the face of a stranger in front of me. I looked straight into
her eyes, but I saw a hollowness that I could not recognize. I saw envy, and
years of piling up coming out in one statement. I wanted to cry. I wanted to
yell at her. I wanted her to explain and I wanted to remind her of everything
that we had and all the good times, but I was too hurt, and in too much shock
to have the strength to response. I stated that “My parents did not call the
school” and I walked away showing no expressions or emotions on my face. I went
back to my class, and the three girls followed. The class was silent and the
students along with the students were waiting for us to tell them what
happened. Yet, before anyone could say anything, my tears betrayed me.
For
3 days, the thought of going to school scared me. I was home sick with a really
bad migraine. Luckily, my teachers at school were understanding and my
academics were not affected. The sleepover happened and this whole issue that
was made of lies was insignificant. Yet, I could not understand how it is
possible for a person to turn against a close friend that easily. I could not
see myself going to school and seeing her there, yet I had to. After three days
of being home, I gathered my strength and went to school. The first couple of
hours were okay, yet it felt like the calm before the storm. When it was time
for our school break, I saw her walking with another friend of ours. I ignored
this fact and went about with what I was doing yet less than a minute later I
hear someone telling me to smile. I turned around to see a good friend of mine
who came to our school during our junior year of high school, I smiled yet
before I knew it, my smile faded when the stranger that I trusted with all my
life yells from behind “how can she smile when more than half of the senior
class is mad at her”. A couple of girls jumped to my defense yet I told them to
calm down. I did not want another encounter. I did not want another series of
confessions and heart aching words. I could not handle another one of those.
Just like I did the first time, I chose the easy way out and walked away.
Two
months passed and we sat for our final examinations. It was time for us to
graduate. Graduation was on Tuesday the 31st of May. I was very
emotional on that day yet also very excited. While getting ready, I receive a
text message from a familiar number. I read it to only end up in tears. It came
from someone that was missing from my life for two months. The text was nothing
special, but it was enough to set base for communication again. That night, I
went to graduation even more excited, not because I was “friends” again with
someone who was a huge part of my life, but because I was graduating with a
clean white page of truce.
Graduation
came and passed. I went to college in Switzerland, and she stayed in Jordan. I
made many new friends outside school, and she stuck with the ones from school. We
both lead completely different lifestyles, yet every now and then, I remember
her and I surprise myself to end up smiling rather than upset. Memories of our
fun times make me smile if not laugh sometimes. They make me remember the
beautiful taste of friendship that I enjoyed for a really long time. Every now
and then, we would talk; just the general formal conversations that happen
between two people. Yet, three weeks ago, I traveled back in time. I received
an email from her that took me by surprise. She expressed feelings of guilt and
regret. She apologized and explained the ridicule of her actions on that chilly
day. She was asking for a new beginning because she cherished our friendship.
Her email made me happy. It reminded me of a day that made me lose my trust in
people. It reminded me of a day when I doubted everyone I know. Yet it also
reminded me of forgiveness and the fact that grudges should not be held towards
anyone. Nonetheless, the pain was there. I felt defeated on that day, and I
could not forget.
Recently
I traveled back in time. But time travel was different this one particular
incident. It was a travel filled with a conscious realization of a painful
memory that I chose to ignore yet couldn’t. A Conscious realization of how
powerful friendship can be, and how much it can hurt even after the passage of
time. This hurt allowed me to value the lessons it taught me rather than
despise them. Although picture perfect friendships proved to be wrong in my
case, yet the pain this disappointment caused was a good wake up call that
changed my view on friendship. As beautiful as they may be, nothing in life is
unconditional. There is a secret garden behind every smile and every world, and
until we are fully capable of adapting ourselves in this garden of friendship,
we might get stung by the bees.
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